Skip to main content

Fate is the hunter

I'm tired! I'm really tired. And these past 8 days of essentially non stop rain certainly didn't help any. Even today, when I thought I would be able to get out on a real bike once again, I looked out side, and discovered the roads are still soaking wet. So here I am stuck in the house once again.

But mostly I'm tired of dealing with my MCL. I'm tired of the endless blood tests, and visits to the oncologist. I'm tired of people asking me how I feel, and then lying to them. I'm tired of putting on a happy face, and going about my life as if nothing is wrong.

You'd think (at least I would) after [nearly] 9 years, my body would have figured out there's something wrong, and do something about it. You'd think after [nearly] 9 years my body would have built up some defenses to my MCL, and maybe even mount an offense for a change.

But why would I think that? Heck, the best minds in the US can't seem to come together and figure out how to get completely out of Afghanistan and Iraq, nor eliminate the scourge tearing the fabric of this country [US] apart, so what makes me think my body is any more capable of doing such a thing?

Of course, maybe my body has figured it out. Maybe a high lymphocyte count, hemoglobin in the anemic range, and an enlarged spleen is just the new norm [for me], and I'm actually cured. After all my lymphocyte count has actually been on a downward trend for the past 4 years. Of course so has my hemoglobin and platelet counts, so........

Or is it more likely my body is just fighting the valiant fight, like King Leonidas at the Battle of Thermopylae, or the Jews at Masada, and in the end will eventually succumb to the never ending onslaught, and no amount of bike riding or green tea will be able to prevent the inevitable.

I don't know, that's for sure, and I doubt anyone knows.

So I can rant, I can ride my bike and drink green tea to my hearts content, I might even pray some, but in the end, it won't do any good. And I'm not about to seek help from a psychiatrist, or take any medication, because the one thing I have come to believe with some certainty is you can't hide from reality. Our destiny's are sealed. Some might call it luck, but I call it fate, and Fate is the Hunter.

The only thing I would truly hope for, is after all this time, I'd at least be able to deal with it better.

[note]Notice how I was skillfully able to incorporate a political rant into a post on living and dealing with mantle cell lymphoma.[/note]
Labels:

Comments

Gerry said…
Cheer up, the Holidays are upon us! Plus the rain has stopped.........
11:12 AM
Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Fatigue! Part II - Maybe it is real?

Or it's actually Motivational Deficiency Disorder, MoDeD (pronounced Mo-Dee-Dee) for short. In a report this week by Roy Moynihan who reports for the British Medical Journal Austrailian scientists may have come across the reason for extreme laziness . The condition is claimed to affect up to one in five Australians and is characterised by overwhelming and debilitating apathy. Neuroscientists at the University of Newcastle in Australia say that in severe cases motivational deficiency disorder can be fatal, because the condition reduces the motivation to breathe. Neurologist Leth Argos is part of the team that has identified the disorder, which can be diagnosed using a combination of positron emission tomography and low scores on a motivation rating scale, previously validated in elite athletes. "This disorder is poorly understood," Professor Argos told the BMJ. "It is underdiagnosed and undertreated." Who knew? Maybe I have MoDeD, from my attempts to become a...
Post a Comment
Read more

My concerns reaffirmed today

When I was first diagnosed with MCL, I pretty much read just about everything I could get my hands on, I attended various conferences, and I talked to anyone who would listen. One of the most important lessons I learned, and which I've mentioned numerous times before was No one cares more about you than you. But in addition to that, I learned to fear the drug Doxorubicin , AKA Adriamycin, Doxil, Hydroxydoxorubicin, or more affectionately the Red Devil. Besides being a deadly chemical, as is the case with most chemotherapy drugs, it is one of the few chemotherapy drugs known to cause permanent heart damage. I even heard Dr. Sandra Horning , a noted Stanford lymphoma specialist, state at the first lymphoma conference I attended in LA, there was no evidence Doxorubicin provided any added benefit to chemotherapy protocols. This was music to my ears, since Doxorubicin is very common in most lymphoma treatment protocols. And even though Dr. Horning has since changed her tune [which my sk...
Post a Comment
Read more

Tacitly condoning racism?

I learned something very discouraging in my current events class yesterday, there are a lot more racists and bigots out there then you may think. They may not admit it, or they'll claim otherwise, but when someone says they place the blame for what happened in Charlottesville on both sides, or better yet, they don't know where the blame lays, then they are condoning the action of the white supremacists groups, and in my book that is a racist/bigot. The truth is, there should be no doubt where blame for Charlottesville lays. It lays with the white supremacists, neo-Nazi's, KKK, etc, plain and simple! The hatred, bigotry, and misogyny displayed and espoused by these groups, coupled with the tacit approval of President Trump needs to be confronted at all cost, and history tells us so. If only the Jews, in pre-WWII Germany, had confronted the Nazi's in the same manner, Hitler might never have risen to power, and we would not be looking at the prospect of a  third anti...
Post a Comment
Read more