LIVING WITH MCL

I've never been more convinced, things will never return to the way they were. The fissures and divides, that have opened up in our society, amplified by an inept and unempathetic president, are in my humble opinion, too wide to fill. As I write this, the city of Long Beach, CA is still refusing to let the Long Beach Rowing Association open it's doors to its members. Apparently, walking into an empty garage, 60'x25'x40' high, getting out a boat, and then transporting it to the dock for launching, without making contact with any human, all while wearing a face covering, is far more dangerous, and requires more scrutiny than a golfer walking into a clubhouse, making contact with the starter, exchanging money, renting a cart and then going to play with up to 3 (sometimes 4) other golfers. I guess the city's health department thinks boats deserve protection from contracting the corona virus as well. Hopefully, this will all end soon, and city of Lon...

For me, this started just over 2 weeks ago, March 12th to be exact. It was at the monthly rowing association board meeting (I’m on the board), where we learned someone in the club may have been exposed to the corona virus. It’s not that I hadn’t heard about the virus previously, but it just never hit home as an issue. Fortunately, the person supposedly infected, tested negative, which was a big relief, but it was after that, we decided to close the boathouse, and the city, county and state set into motion certain restrictions, and bans which would effect everyone. What was so disconcerting was the people most at risk [of dying] where people over 65 (Judy and me), and those with underlying health conditions, i.e. me, with my immune compromising MCL, and my heart issues, although I suspect the latter is not an issue, having never had a heart attack. Other than that, Judy and I are in pretty good health, but we decided it was best to self isolate at home anyways. You never know! But how w...

We know what will happen if Trump does win. A second term will certainly embolden Trump to widen his attacks on immigrants and minorities, destroy the social safety net, that many individuals depend on, and bring even greater harm to our environment. It will also embolden white supremacists, and neo-nazi's, to carry out more acts of violence and intimidation, leading to greater chaos in this country, destroying the social fabric of the country, and in my opinion, lead to protests (and/or worse), similar to the ones which occurred during the Viet Nam area, and currently going on in Hong Kong. Now, while I would prefer not to see anything like this happen, I'm not sure we'll fare any better should a Democrat win. I don't see Joe Biden or Elizabeth Warren, or any Democrat, for that matter, being able to heal the divisions, and the wounds inflicted on the US, by Trump. In fact, a loss by Trump may even exacerbate the problems, I've referred to above. Trump s...

While it may not seem like it, as there are no foreign troops on the ground, don’t be fooled. The US has most assuredly been invaded by a foreign entity. It's an invasion of our psyche, and of the principles that made this country so great. It’s an attack on our trusted institutions, casting doubt on what is real and what is contrived. The truth is being manipulated, such that fact has become fiction, and fiction becomes fact, all designed to bring to light the underlying hatred and bigotry, which has existed in the US since our inception, dividing us even further and leading us into chaos. Even our elected officials (knowingly or not), refuse to acknowledge it, and are fomenting these seeds of bigotry and distrust meant only to destroy the United States. How did the we let this happen? How have so many become blind to it? Have our elected officials been so corrupted by money and power they don't care? (I know our president has.) Has racism and religious intolerance ...

I learned something very discouraging in my current events class yesterday, there are a lot more racists and bigots out there then you may think. They may not admit it, or they'll claim otherwise, but when someone says they place the blame for what happened in Charlottesville on both sides, or better yet, they don't know where the blame lays, then they are condoning the action of the white supremacists groups, and in my book that is a racist/bigot. The truth is, there should be no doubt where blame for Charlottesville lays. It lays with the white supremacists, neo-Nazi's, KKK, etc, plain and simple! The hatred, bigotry, and misogyny displayed and espoused by these groups, coupled with the tacit approval of President Trump needs to be confronted at all cost, and history tells us so. If only the Jews, in pre-WWII Germany, had confronted the Nazi's in the same manner, Hitler might never have risen to power, and we would not be looking at the prospect of a  third anti...

Eric Hoffer may have summed it up best In times of change, learners will inherit the earth, while the learned will find themselves beautifully equipped to live in a world that no longer exists. While the US still likes to measure its strength by the size of its military, much of the rest of the world is systematically driving the military into obsolescence. Instead of focusing on fighting its battles in the air, on the sea, and with military personnel on the ground, the rest of the world is using far more sophisticated, and potentially even  more lethal weaponry against its enemies, and the US . Think of the devastation that could be caused by a few well placed cyber attacks on our financial institutions, our energy grid, or the havoc that is easily caused by just a simple terrorist threat, or unattended bag(s) at an airport, as happened at LAX  yesterday. What do you think would be the result of some rogue nation (North Korea or Iran come to mind) get...

While I've never been enamored with guns, never seeing the need for them, and always feeling their proliferation was dangerous, I have had two guns in the house for a long time, a 357 magnum revolver and a 22 caliber rifle, but they've always been hidden away in a closet unloaded. That's all changed now. If you're of foreign heritage, a person of color, LBGT, Jewish, or anyone who doesn't conform to the values of middle American white Christians, be afraid. Be very afraid. Even if you don't fit into any of those categories, but are simply progressive/liberal  in nature, or don't move in lock step with the far right, you should still be afraid. I know I am. With the appointment of Steve Bannon as Trump's chief strategist, Trump's continued divisive rhetoric, and his failure to condemn the many hate groups that embrace him, to be otherwise would simply be naive. So I recently purchased another hand gun, a 9 mm pistol, along with additional am...

Who knows what the future will bring with Donald Trump as President of the United States. I'm sure there'll be lots of speculation, and the stock market will go through it's usual gyrations, but the truth is, no one can know with any certainty. Trump may walk back his rhetoric, and embrace true populist ideals. He was an enigma from the beginning, and now he has the ability to build on that, and possibly become one of the greatest presidents and world leaders in history. Let's just hope he doesn't squander that opportunity. One good takeaway from yesterday's election, Democrats did gain 3 seats in both the Senate and the House. It won't change the balance of power, but............... Either way, [Judy and] I will be OK, but as I've discovered throughout my life, it's not all about me! Stranger things have happened, right?

Now I just don't care so much. My fiancee and I were talking last night about not understanding why so many blue collar, and lower middle class people, continue to vote against their own best interests by voting Republican. I can understand right wing evangelicals, who think the bible trumps the constitution, and want to create an Iran [middle east] style theocracy in the US, voting Republican, but why is it 77 of the 100 poorest and most government dependent counties, in the US, voted for Mitt Romney in 2012. Don't they understand they're voting to eliminate, or reduce, their government benefits, and make health care even less affordable than it is now? Are they so naive, they truly believe, if the wealthy are given more money, through tax cuts, the wealthy will give that money back to them and then some? Do they continue to think greatness is measured by how militarily powerful a country is, and how many other countries ca...

It's been three days now since Thanksgiving dinner with the family, and I've had lots of time to reflect. Things have changed so much over the past year, it's hard to fathom. Last Thanksgiving I was in a totally different place. Edie had just died, and even though I'd met Judy (now my fiancé) by then, I never thought life would ever be the same. Of course life can never be the same, but I've met a wonderful women to share the rest of my life with, I have many family members who care about me, I live in a place most people would dream of living in, and I'm financially secure. So what's my problem? What more do I want, need? Sure, my health isn't the best, but despite that I'm still in better shape than most people my age, and quite a few even younger. I ride my bike, I'm taking up rowing [sculling], and if it weren't for that fateful blood test on March 26, 2002 (and many subsequent ones since then), I might still not know I was even sic...

Listening to the constant barrage of news about the Paris attacks, the threat of more attacks, the plight of refugees, and then on top of that, having to listen to the political pundits, and presidential candidates advocating the need for more troops and military action to stop the spread of terrorism, is becoming overwhelming. Do people really think more military action is going to make things better? Stop and think a minute. How would you react to a foreign power invading the US, and then occupying it?   Would you cower under the thumb of the occupying force? How about if you had to deal with the constant threat of drone strikes, blowing up weddings, schools, and even hospitals?   Sure, you might cower, others might as well, but there would be many who wouldn't. Many would take up arms, and resist the invading force. What would you do then?   Would you work with the invaders, or lend your support to the resistance? I know ...

We had been planning to see a taping of Undateable Live for a few weeks now, and we actually made it there tonight, but on the way something awful happened. A terrorist attack in Paris. Now it might seem heartless of me to be thinking about my misfortune, having to wait over 2 hours for our driver ( the show was cancelled) ), to pick us up, when so many others are suffering an unimaginable fate, but it is what it is. If nothing else, this few hours has provided a lot of time to think [blog], what might have been, if it weren't for the likes of Republicans, and the spawning of the two individuals I blame most for the state of the world today, George W Bush, and Dick Cheney. Those two, in only 8 short years, managed to do more to destabilize the world, creating the chaos there is today, than anyone could have ever imagined. (What Saddam Hussein must be thinking now.) If anyone deserves blame for the carnage in Paris today, it is George W. Bush and Dick Cheney, and they should b...

It's been exactly one year today since my last post. The reasons for not posting were numerous, as anyone who had been a regular visitor, to this site, would know (so I won't get into that), but that's all changed now. I've finally moved on [mostly anyways]. I met a loving, and beautiful woman, who I have been living with for the past 9+ months. Admittedly the transition has been difficult. I'm not sure how it couldn't be difficult [for anyone], especially after having established habits 40 years in the making, but I think we're doing a good job managing. We got engaged last July, but haven't made any plans to get married. Too many variables (financial considerations) complicate that decision, but I don't think you need a piece of paper to validate a relationship. In essence, we've been [ de facto ] married for the past 10 months, and a piece of paper isn't going to change that. As far as everything else goes, not much has changed. I s...

Of course now I'm beginning to wonder whether that was meant to be a good or bad thing. I don't know how others can do it. I don't know how anyone can go through life without someone else by their side. I know lots of people are in that position, but I'm finding it difficult at best. And I've only been at it for 2 months. Maybe you get used to it after awhile, but I'm not sure I can wait "awhile". Friends and family help fill some of the void, but there's only so much cycling and bowling you can do to fill in the rest of the gaps. Eventually though, you still end up in an empty house, with no one to talk to, to confide in, watch TV with, or simply to comfort you when you need it. Some people have told me the accepted time for dating again is a year, but I don't think I could make that. So I've gone and done the unthinkable. I joined "match.com" for 7 days (it was a free trial), in hopes of meeting that perfect someone. T...

Are there really things that we have no control over in our lives? Is our destiny preordained, and no matter what any of us do, the outcome will be the same? I've always been a believer in that, in fate. I've always believed our lives are preordained, and everything happens for a reason. It's just after everything that has happened over these past few months [and years] I'm beginning to wonder. What possible reason could there be for me to have contracted MCL, and lived with it untreated for the past 12+ years?  Is there a greater purpose I am [was] to pursue, that I missed. It certainly can't be writing this blog, although I would like to think I've help at least one person. And what about Edie? What possible reason could there be for her to have died, and left me alone? To make me appreciate her more, and the many things she did, some of which I may have taken for granted. The thing is, she didn't have to die for me to come to that realization. S...

It's been about a month now, and the only thing I know for sure, it isn't getting any easier. At first I thought it was the mornings that were the worst. Then it was the evenings, but it turns out, it doesn't matter what time of day it is, it's realizing Edie isn't around anymore that's so hard. I'm just having a difficult time coming to grips with that fact. We were together nearly 40 years, and then suddenly she's gone. How can someone be here one minute, and then be gone the next? Even knowing it was coming for awhile, I still wasn't prepared. It's just all way too final, and I'm not coping well. I haven't been eating well. I've been losing weight I can't afford to lose, and on top of that, two weeks ago, I got a case of the shingles (or so they say), which has taken a particular toll on me physically, including the loss of more weight. I'm even beginning to understand how some individuals can so easily become v...

In Jewish tradition, the Shiva candle represents a person's soul, since each person brings light into the world. And just as one can take from a flame to light more candles without diminishing the original flame, so too a person can give of him/herself, touching many lives, without ever being diminished. It's only supposed to burn for 7 days, but in Edie's case it burned for nearly 8 and half days. Now whether the candle burning a day and a half longer than expected is significant, is doubtful. I do know if anyone had asked me what I would have thought about such a thing a month ago, I would have simply chocked it up to poor quality control. But now that this involves me, I can't help but think otherwise. For those who knew Edie, you know she wasn't Jewish, but she was the embodiment of what the Shiva Candle represents,  and it's hard not to tack on some significance to that event. I sure would like to think that anyways.

It's been 4 days since Edie died, Doris, Edie's sister, is on her way home to Ohio, and the reality of this past week  is starting to take hold. I'm alone! :( I haven't been truly alone,on my own, since the 3 months between my discharge from the army and  meeting Edie in 1974, and I'm not sure I'm going to be able to handle this. Edie was always the rock (so to speak) in the family. She never needed or asked for anything special. She was always upbeat, had a smile on her face, and she was always there when I needed her. What Edie did hate was being a burden on anyone, something I'm sure contributed to her refusal to go to the ER until it was too late. She just deserved so much better, and Chloe and I will miss her tremendously.

Followed by the worst night of my life. Things did not go as planned yesterday. I didn't even get the chance to worry about getting Edie up the 4 steps into the house after having her blood coagulation levels checked yesterday. On the way to the car, Edie stumbled on the first step,  fell backwards, and hit her head on the ground.  She didn't hit hard, but................ I read in the Coumadin manual, you have to be concerned when you hit your head, due to possible bleeding. So after she managed to maneuver herself to the edge of the porch and stand, I got her into the car, and just took her straight to the ER for evaluation. Long story short, the CT scan was negative, and 6.5 hours later Edie was in a skilled nursing facility. She is just too weak for me to take care of. Words can’t explain how devastated I am. I barely got an hours sleep last night dreaming of nightmare scenarios, and she doesn’t have her phone, so I can’t call her, and visiting hours don’t start un...

Past experiences have taught me my first instincts are usually correct, but like everything else in life that isn't a guarantee, and after this first night and morning, I'm starting to have some doubts. Edie was well enough to be released from the hospital. Her oxygen saturation levels are stable, and while they do drop some with exertion, she recovers relatively quickly once at rest. The problem is she fatigues easily, and compound that with the severe neuropathy in her legs, it's a struggle just getting up from the seated position. Today should be the test.  She scheduled to have her blood clotting levels checked at the infustion. I'm pretty sure I can get her there without a problem, but getting her up the 4 step, and back into the house maybe a challenge. Stay tuned. I may be asking some of you for help! :)