Getting through everyday seems to be a bigger and bigger challenge. Even getting out to ride my bike is getting more difficult.
Today I really didn't feel much like riding [of course that's nothing new], but I went out anyway, and pushed myself to the edge, something for which I am paying for right now. Mostly I do it because I believe if I don't, things will rapidly start to go down hill for me.
The problem is I just don't know how much longer I can continue putting on a happy face, and pretending to fight the valiant fight.
But it's not just about the bike, it's the myriad of thoughts that go through my mind everyday, as I ponder what's next in store for me.
How much longer can I continue to put off treatment? How big does my spleen have to get before it presents a problem? Are my counts too high, or too low? Is that an enlarged lymph node in my neck, or is it just my imagination? Am I tired all the time, because I ride my bike too much [and too hard], because of my MCL, or am I just getting old? And can I wait too long before beginning treatment?
And on top of that, it's not just me I worry about, there's Edie as well.
The other day, Edie asked me, since her heart was better, do I think she should now have the transplant, that was canceled back in January.
Why ask me that question, when she already knows what my answer will be. As far as I'm concerned, transplants are a procedure of last resort, after all other options have failed. And for now she seems to be doing good, so why even consider it? But ultimately the decision is hers, not mine.
The real problem is, I understand her dilemma. Everyday, she has to confront the same demons I confront.
It's so easy when you're healthy to go on with your life, and even assume how you would react under similar circumstances, but until you've walked in the shoes of a person confronting a terminal health problem, or any other life changing situation, there's no way anyone can ever understand, or know how they will react under those same or similar circumstances.
And it's even harder for anyone to imagine how easy it is to simply want to give up!
Oh well, at least I have the Tour d'France to look forward to for the next 3 weeks.
Today I really didn't feel much like riding [of course that's nothing new], but I went out anyway, and pushed myself to the edge, something for which I am paying for right now. Mostly I do it because I believe if I don't, things will rapidly start to go down hill for me.
The problem is I just don't know how much longer I can continue putting on a happy face, and pretending to fight the valiant fight.
But it's not just about the bike, it's the myriad of thoughts that go through my mind everyday, as I ponder what's next in store for me.
How much longer can I continue to put off treatment? How big does my spleen have to get before it presents a problem? Are my counts too high, or too low? Is that an enlarged lymph node in my neck, or is it just my imagination? Am I tired all the time, because I ride my bike too much [and too hard], because of my MCL, or am I just getting old? And can I wait too long before beginning treatment?
And on top of that, it's not just me I worry about, there's Edie as well.
The other day, Edie asked me, since her heart was better, do I think she should now have the transplant, that was canceled back in January.
Why ask me that question, when she already knows what my answer will be. As far as I'm concerned, transplants are a procedure of last resort, after all other options have failed. And for now she seems to be doing good, so why even consider it? But ultimately the decision is hers, not mine.
The real problem is, I understand her dilemma. Everyday, she has to confront the same demons I confront.
It's so easy when you're healthy to go on with your life, and even assume how you would react under similar circumstances, but until you've walked in the shoes of a person confronting a terminal health problem, or any other life changing situation, there's no way anyone can ever understand, or know how they will react under those same or similar circumstances.
And it's even harder for anyone to imagine how easy it is to simply want to give up!
Oh well, at least I have the Tour d'France to look forward to for the next 3 weeks.
Comments
Let your body restore for a while, even the best in tour de France have to rest some days !
"La Bretagne est belle" isn't it ?
I ride with them without transpiring... in my sofa :-)
Edie's heart : it is a question for the specialists before her decision, no ?
Best wishes,
Claude
And you are also correct, the body does need to recuperate sometimes. I will go easy tomorrow. Thanks!
Ultimately the specialists have to approve Edie's transplant, but neither will they do it, if she rejects it. I just think she has lots of time before she has to make that decision.
One of my favorite sayings is, never do today, what you can put off until tomorrow.
Oh yeah, and I think you may have meant perspiring (transpirez) instead of transpiring.
G
I don't like words similar to french in english, so i thank you to write to me the right verb !
let's ride again and again... for years !